So this is what it feels like...

I didn't share this while I was pregnant with Preston Banks because I just sobbed everytime I heard the song. The Thursday of my 32 week ultrasound, when they say "something" but we had to come back Friday because he wasn't in a good position to see what it was-I got into my car STUNNED! Daniel and I pranced into the ultrasound thinking that we were just going to see him, take a few measurements, have an idea of how big he was and then get a general idea for when we might be induced...and then...you know the rest. So, I got into the car, took a deep breath, turned on the car and just sat there crying. The radio was alreay on and it was in the middle of the FFH song "What it feels like" was on. The words to this song spoke to me, and God continued to us it over the next 5 1/2 weeks. The song came on after 5/8 of my doctors appointments. And when we met with the neonatologist and surgeon I got into the car and it came on from the VERY beginning...So, after you listen to the song and hear the words...just know that this is where I was, and am today as I have to leave my little man for the first time. And for wherever God has you-I pray that it will speak to you and remind you that no matter how despirate we are-it's a beautiful place to be lead by God.

So this is what it feels like...

...to see God's miracles...and they are right infront of my face every day...(That's a whole post for another day)

...to be a Mama of two...to feel loved by so many people...to have to watch you baby and not hold him...to know that the best care he can receive comes from someone other than you...to love and hug nurses you've never met before because they give your baby one on one care (or one to two care ratio now that he's doing so well)

...to know that doctors are still just men, and know that God's name sometimes comes in the form of the words "unknown", "not typical", "remarkable progress" when spoken by doctors who are not believers

...to care about what kind of hats, blankets and socks your little man has on...because his chest tube still needs to be in and he can wear clothes AND you CAN'T HOLD HIM UNTIL IT COMES OUT!!!

...to have to leave him today, in the hands of strangers-and feel helpless. I KNOW he's where he needs to be. I KNOW they are giving him the best care and helping him progress so that I can come home...I'm just ready for my head to catch up to what my heart knows. So, as the song says "this may not be the road I would choose for me, but it still feels right somehow-I have never felt you as close to me, as I do right now...this is what it feels like to be lead..."

FFH "What It Feels Like"

So this is what if feels like to walk the wilderness
and this is what if feels like to come undone
So this is what if feels like to loose my confidence
unsure of anything or anyone
So this is what if feels like to walk the desert sand
and this is what if feels like to hear my name
and to be scared to death cause I'm all alone but feel love and peace just the same
And this may not be the road I would choose for me
but it still feels right somehow
And I have never felt you as close to me as I do right now
So this is what if feels like to be led
So this is what if feels like to have it fall apart
to be totally unglued and find out if I accept my brokenness I get more of me, I get all of you
If this is what if feels like to be on shaky ground
Careful of every step I take
Realizing as I stop to look around I look around and see everything a different way
and this may not be the road I would choose for me
but it still feels right somehow
cause I have never felt you as close to me as I do right now
So this is what if feels like to be led
and this is what if feels like to be led
So this is what if feels like to just walk away from everything I thought kept me safe
to depend just on you for every meal and find it's better this way oh it's better this way
And this may not be the road I would choose for me
but it still feels right somehow
And I have never felt you as close to me as I do right now
like i do right now
And this may not be the road I would choose for me
but it still feels right somehow
And I have never felt you as close to me as I do right now
And this is what if feels like to be led
And this is what if feels like to be led
And this is what if feels like